You don't have asthma, your pregnant
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
