You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
