Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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