He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
