Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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