3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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