i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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