Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
