she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
