Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
