I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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