his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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