Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
