just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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