There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
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I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
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Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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