His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
