i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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