she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
