seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
