My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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