Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
