I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
