I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
