If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
