He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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