it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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