I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
