I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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