Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
