At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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