He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize