awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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