she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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