i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
