So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
