you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
