It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
