It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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