Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
