Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
