Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
