After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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