i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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