I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
