I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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