my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
