dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
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