She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
