two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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