Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
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