Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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