The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I fill condoms, not promises.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
