sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
