I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
