Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
