Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
