Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
