Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
