Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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